well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
