I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
