If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
