Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
