My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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