god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
