I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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