Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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