hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
