well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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