I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
