You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
