M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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