fuck your aforementioned shoe
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Houston, we have a blender
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
