In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
