i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
