I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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