I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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