I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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