It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize