I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can't put those talents on a resume
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
