My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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