i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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