Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
