You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
