When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
