omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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