Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
