Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
