Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
