Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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