Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
