Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
