im six kinds of drunk right now
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
