is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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