is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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