I CAN MOONWALK!
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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