I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
