i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
