when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
