Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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