I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
