jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
