She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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