I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
