it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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