If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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