I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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