i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
