i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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