Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I need moral support for this bender
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize