i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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