He is such a slut. More and more my type.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
