the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize