There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You made out with two different species that night
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
