It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
