Mattress luging...It's a long story.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
