I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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