Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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