You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
