I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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