shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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