He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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